


to be enough

by Irrwisch



Series: Always You. [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, But He Gets Better, Castiel is Jack Kline's Parent, Dealing with Emotions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Friendship, Hospitals, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Male Friendship, POV Castiel (Supernatural), POV Second Person, Stars, but it's happy, open-ended
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:02:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27093235
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrwisch/pseuds/Irrwisch
Summary: You are glad that they found you in the alley, if only for Jack’s sake. You feel Sam sitting down next to you. What is he going to say? You’re afraid. You fist your blanket. It’s very thin. You wish it was thicker. You wish you could wrap yourself in it. You wish you hadn’t woken up. You wish Jack wouldn’t have gotten a wheelchair.It’s cruel of you.But now he doesn’t need you anymore.You have no money and no home. The only worth you had to him was that you could carry him around; that you had legs.And now he doesn’t need you anymore.|The end of a saga.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Always You. [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1387819
Comments: 12
Kudos: 31





	to be enough

**Author's Note:**

> So. This is it. It took me a long time to complete the series, but I did it.   
> The journey is finally over. There are no more tales after this besides the ones you wish to tell.  
> Tell me what you felt? Tell me what you thought?  
> Is this a happy ending?

It’s a field you’re standing in. There is nothing here, but the grass around your feet. You don’t wonder how you ever got here – here you begin and here you end, so there is no question to be answered. The sky is high above you, and the wind is howling through the meadow. You don’t have a jacket, but you’re not cold. Maybe it is summer, but you don’t wonder. You look up and there they are – overhead is full of stars; sparkling and shining in all their glory. They are all here – like they belong, and you are down here, the one lone human gazing up. The wind carries you away and you let yourself fall.

*

You wake up somewhere vastly different. But you don’t know what it’s different from. You feel like you had a dream, but you can’t quite remember. Where have you been before? Just before, a few seconds ago? You can’t have forgotten already. But you can’t remember. Somehow, it makes you upset. It feels like a thought that slipped out of your hand at just the last second.

You open your eyes and have a stare-down with the roof. It’s a roof you remember; you’ve been here before. How did you get here? Where were you before? Something shifts at your shoulder and you turn your head. Oh. Yes. You remember now. You’ve been outside before, kind of adopting a child. But how did you get here? What happened? – Oh yes. You got sick. It has been harder to focus after that. And, after all, you _had_ told Jack hospitals were for sick people. But still, how did you actually manage to get here? Did Jack crawl up to the street and got someone to help him? That must be it, you think. So you should really thank him the next time you wake up. Right now, you don’t want to wake him. The way you know Jack, he’s been awake as long as he could possibly manage just to watch over you. He shouldn’t do that, you think. He’s a child; he needs to sleep. You sigh and look back up to the roof. You try to avoid looking at the door. You glance to the other side – some part of you expected to see Mr. Edgar being there, guarding the window. But there is no one there – so technically, the window belongs to you. It feels wrong to have it. Still, you stare in its direction. You idly wonder about Mr. Edgar. He went home, of course. You wonder if he sleeps next to the window at home. What did he think about you? He probably thought you were a moron. A moron in love, that is. You remember him being worried about you. It is good he got to go home. You just wished he’d have said good-bye. It was very sudden, losing him like that. But, he’s got to be happy now, being back together with his son. Jack shifts against your arm and drools on you, and you think Mr. Edgar felt the same. You’re happy. Jack is here. Jack loves you. You love Jack. You turn your head back to him and close your eyes. As long as he gets to stay with you, you can be happy. And if they want to take him away – you’re just going to take him and run far, far away.

Jack thinks you’re a star. You, of all people! No matter how grand the stories were you told him of the stars, he never deterred. He must’ve seen how much greater your stories were, no? But it seems like with every story you told, the greater his belief grew. Maybe, in a few years, if this holds up – maybe you could start to believe. It would certainly be a turn of events – a pebble turned into a star. You huff quietly. Now, wouldn’t that be ridiculous?

Maybe you could get him to believe that he himself was a star instead. But, if you are honest with yourself, you don’t want that. Stars have done nothing than abandon you as long as you can think. You wouldn’t want Jack to abandon you too. Maybe you are lying to yourself. Maybe no star has ever abandoned you – you’ve just never been close enough to one before. You think about Dean. Dean hasn’t abandoned you, has he? He kept coming back; granted, always at your request, but – he never left you. You wonder where Dean is now. You hope he’s alright. You hope that Sam is alright too, and Dean’s girlfriend and all their friends. They certainly deserve that and you know you have no business thinking about them anymore, but from time to time, they do steal themselves inside of your head.

*

The next you wake, the sun is shining in your face. You can’t exactly tell how much time has passed, but you feel incredibly groggy. It takes you a moment, but then you remember where you are.

You look to your side and you see that Jack is gone. You look around, hoping to find him somewhere. Maybe he was on the ground, playing or drawing? But no, you were alone.

You know he was here. Where could he have gone? Has someone taken him away?

What if he had realised he could do so much better?

You sit up and your body feels heavy. Maybe you should leave. The hospital would take care of Jack for you, wouldn’t they? You should go. There was no hope anymore for you, but there still is for Jack. Jack is still so young, and with a little bit of help, he could reach greatness.

And maybe you could watch from afar.

You should stand up. Because no matter what you would choose, you would need to tell Jack. And until you made up your mind, it would be nice spending more time with him. Seeing him being in good hands would be enough to be able to let him go, right?

You put your feet on the ground. They feel heavy, as if you lost the connection to your body. What if you’ve been asleep for weeks? Jack will have moved on then, right?

You don’t want that.

You don’t want Jack moving on.

You don’t want him moving on without you.

_“I love you, Castiel”_

Jack had seemed so genuine. But then, Jack is just a child. You don’t know how old he is exactly. But you are somewhat sure that he should start school. And once he did, then he wouldn’t need you anymore. And just how would you be sending him to school? You have no money. You don’t even have a home.

No, you should just leave now, while he is gone.

You’re not good enough for him.

You want to stand up but your legs don’t work.

Why won’t they work?

You need them to get away from here.

You look towards the door.

You can almost hear Mr. Edgar behind you.

_“Sneaking out again?”_

You look behind you but of course, there’s nothing there.

He’s dead. You know he died. Mr. Edgar would’ve told you if he would’ve been released. He had been alone. You had been gone, you had been with Dean. You wonder.

If you had been there, could you have prevented it? Could you have saved him?

If you had been there to call the nurses, would he still be alive?

You look down in your lap. What is the point thinking about it? Mr. Edgar is not here anymore. You feel sorry for his son.

You try to stand up again.

Your legs still don’t work.

*

You are still sitting on the bed when the door opens. You don’t look up. It’s probably a nurse checking up on you. They are probably going to chastise you for sitting up. If only they knew you’d wanted to run away.

“Castiel!”

You look up. That was Jack’s voice. There he is, beaming at you. He’s sitting in a wheelchair. You stare blankly for a few seconds.

Jack has a wheelchair.

That means he doesn’t need you anymore.

You don’t know what to say.

“Sam got me a wheelchair, isn’t that awesome?”

You look up. There’s Sam standing behind Jack, smiling at the child. What is Sam doing here? How did he know to come here?

No.

Someone had brought you here. Someone had found you behind that dumpster. You remember seeing stars approaching you.

It couldn’t have been Sam.

Right?

Why would Sam be looking for you?

You don’t understand. But if Sam is here... does that mean Dean is here as well? Oh, what are you going to do?

“Hey, Cas,” Sam says and smiles at you. You don’t respond because you don’t know how.

You look at Jack again who had stopped in front of you.

“I can move on my own now, isn’t that cool?!”

He rotates on the spot as if to show off. His eyes are bright and his smile is so wide. But you can’t help but feeling that hollow ache in your chest. He doesn’t need you anymore. He can go wherever he wants now.

“Yes, Jack,” you respond then because you know he was waiting for you to say something.

“And Dean brought me Jell-O! Do you know what Jell-O is?”

You just nod. So Dean is here as well. And judging from Jack’s expression, the boy seems to get along well with the brothers. So maybe... maybe Jack could stay with them after he’s left? They’d take good care of Jack. He’d grow up to be a star just like them; and then he’d forget about you.

“Hey Jack, why don’t you go get Dean, tell him Cas is awake?”

Jack beams at Sam and looks at you. “I can go on my own now!”

It drives the nail deeper in your gut but you just smile at him. He needs you to smile at him. “I’m so proud of you, Jack,” you say.

He puffs his chest and wheels himself out of the room. But now you don’t know what to do.

You can’t possibly face Dean. What would he say? You don’t want to look at him and see the disgust in his eyes. The last time you’ve really seen him was the last time he’s ever visited you. This was so long ago.

You are glad that they found you in the alley, if only for Jack’s sake. You feel Sam sitting down next to you. What is he going to say? You’re afraid. You fist your blanket. It’s very thin. You wish it was thicker. You wish you could wrap yourself in it. You wish you hadn’t woken up. You wish Jack wouldn’t have gotten a wheelchair.

It’s cruel of you.

But now he doesn’t need you anymore.

You have no money and no home. The only worth you had to him was that you could carry him around; that you had legs.

And now he doesn’t need you anymore.

“...Cas?”

Ah. How rude of you. Sam had been talking and you hadn’t been listening.

“Yes, Sam. Forgive me.”

You can’t look at him. You look at your lap instead. He’s going to tell you that you have to leave. And while you know that you must, being told hurts. You’re going to be lonely again. You’re going to miss Jack’s little warmth atop of you. You’re going to miss telling him about the stars.

Maybe you can steal a blanket. But no. This is the hospital. You can’t steal from them. How dare you even think that?

There’s a gentle hand on your shoulder and you jump a little. You turn your head and there is Sam, looking at you. He looks concerned. Why? What have you done wrong? Sam’s opening his mouth. He’s going to tell you that you’re not worth talking to. He’s going to tell you that they regret saving you.

Then there’s a hand on your face.

“Breathe, Cas.”

But you can’t. He’s going to take Jack away. He and Dean are going to take Jack away and he’s going to grow up hating you. They will tell him all the terrible things you’ve done and Jack will grow disgusted by you. He will grow up and hate you for soiling the stars for him.

No.

No you don’t want that.

You want Jack to look at you like he always does.

In his eyes you can be a star.

You can’t lose that.

You _can’t._

You scream when Sam hugs you.

*

He holds you and against his shoulder you find your breath again. You don’t deserve to be hugged but you don’t dare to ask. You can’t be told no if you don’t ask.

Sam will let you go any second and so you try to soak up as much warmth as you can. For all you know, this will be the last hug you’ll ever receive. You wish it would be Dean. But you don’t really deserve a hug from Dean, now do you?

“I want to talk about Jack.”

Sam’s voice is soft against your hair. He’s going to let you go now. You hope you can keep track of his voice long enough to understand what he wants to say to you. You don’t reply. He’s going to tell you that you can’t keep Jack. Keeping the child would be unfair. He’d deny Jack a loving home and family. How selfish of you. You wish you’d had something you could give Jack as a keep-sake. Would he even want to remember you by? You could give him a pebble, you think. In time, he’d understand that that’s all you are.

“Cas,” Sam says again and you tense. You drifted off again. Sam must be getting irritated. He lets you go and you miss the warmth.

But then he takes your face in his hands. They are warm and big and he looks you in the eyes. You don’t like it. You want to advert your gaze but Sam won’t let you. He chases after you and you give up. You’re afraid of what he’ll say.

You feel your body shake.

You want to say something.

_No, Sam, please don’t. Jack is the only one who looks at me like I’m worth something. Don’t take him away. Please. I can’t live without him. I know I’m not good for him but I’ll try, I promise. I’ll keep him safe. Sam, please. Don’t take him away. I’ll be better. I’ll keep him warm, I swear. I’ll keep him fed, no matter what. If I can find Vanessa again, then I’ll have money. I’ll be good for Jack, I promise. I don’t want him to forget me. I don’t want him to hate me. He said he loves me. He’s the only one who ever did. Sam, please. I know you hate me, but I’ll be better for Jack. I know I don’t deserve him. I know I’m hurting him. He should have a family. He should have a home. He should have everything he could ever possibly want. I know I can’t give him anything. But I’ll try, Sam, I swear. Don’t take him away from me. I’ll be good, I promise. I’ll find a way. But please, please don’t take him away from me. I need him. I love him. He looks at me like I matter. He looks at me like I’m important. Please don’t take that away from me._

_He’s all I have._

You’re gasping for air and someone else came into the room and Sam is hugging you again and you don’t deserve it, you don’t deserve any of it and they should’ve buried you under the rubble, they should’ve let the yellow truck kill you and they should’ve dumped you in the dumpster and Dean should’ve let you hang and you shouldn’t have been born and Jack should’ve had his legs and he should’ve had a family and he should have happy memories and toys and laughter and a bed and oh god you can’t even give him a bed and –

You scream and the silence is too loud and you want to be dead.

*

You wake up again when it’s dark. You feel tired and your body is heavy. You don’t want to move. Breathing alone seems like a chore. What happened? You don’t remember.

There’s something pressing against your chest.

You look down and you see Jack’s head. Right. You remember. The wheelchair. It seems like you had a panic attack. You hope that Jack didn’t see. You feel like a failure for breaking down like that. And poor Sam, who had to endure all of that. Before you go, you need to apologise to him. You dread it already. Maybe you should write a letter. That would save you some embarrassment, no?

You just feel sorry for Jack. But if you go, then he’d be able to find a real family with a mother and a father. People who could love him the way he deserves and who can give him the things he wants. And in time, Jack would forget you.

Now that you calmed down, you don’t understand how you had a panic attack about this matter. You made the decision to go, so why did Sam suggesting it made you panic so much?

Sam didn’t suggest it.

He had simply wanted to talk about Jack.

But what could he possibly want to talk about if not that?

“Hey,” someone says and you blink.

You move your head and look.

There’s Dean.

He’s sitting in the chair next to your bed and he’s awake. He’s looking at you.

The light is dim but if you wish hard enough you think he’s smiling.

“I was waiting for you to wake up,” he says and you want to apologise. You’ve made him wait.

“My legs don’t work,” you say instead. You don’t know why. Maybe you want to defend the fact that you’re still here. Dean laughs. It’s been too long since you’ve heard that.

“I know, buddy. The doctor’s said it might take a while for them to recover.”

That is too bad, you think. You wonder if it would be bad stealing two crutches. It probably is. You shouldn’t steal from a hospital.

“I’m sorry,” you say.

Dean doesn’t respond. You only now notice that he’s holding your hand. You don’t know why.

“The kid loves you, you know,” he says.

Yes, you know. The only question is how long it stays that way.

“This entire time he could talk about nothing else but you. Nothing was exciting if he couldn’t tell you. He was screaming blood and murder whenever Sam had to take him away from you.”

That doesn’t sound fair to Sam. You should talk to Jack about this. Sam doesn’t deserve to be screamed at.

“I’m sorry,” you say again. You don’t know why he’s here or why he’s holding your hand. It feels nice, but you don’t deserve it.

“I hated you, you know,” he says and you clench your jaw. You want to withdraw your hand and curl up on yourself but Dean doesn’t let go. You know you deserve it. You deserve to be hated by Dean. It’s what Dream-Dean kept telling you. You deserve to be hated. But maybe – if Dean is able to let it all out now, then maybe he can move on with his life. He can move on, forget you ever existed and marry his girlfriend and have children with her.

You hate that thought. But Dean deserves only good things.

“I hated you, because you ran away.”

You don’t understand. Dean should’ve been happy when you were gone. Maybe Dean had wanted to hurt you, as revenge. That you could understand. Dean could hurt you. It’d be okay. You’d never be able to move past it, but if it would make Dean feel better, you’d do anything.

“When I first met you, I thought you were a small and petite man.”

You furrow your brow. You don’t understand.

“And then you stood up and I saw how tall you were and how broad your shoulders are. And I wondered why you looked so small, sitting in that booth all by yourself.

I still don’t know. I want to find whoever made you feel like you can’t stand up for yourself; like you’re some lesser version of a human. And I also don’t know how to make you stand up straight. I’ve tried to figure it out but I can’t. I wanted to fix you but after you were gone I realised that there was nothing for me to fix. You’re not an engine.”

You want to comfort him. You dare caressing his finger with your thumb and you think he enjoys it. He doesn’t withdraw his hand, after all.

“Maybe you’ll be a small guy forever. Maybe that’s just who you are. I can’t fix your brain. I can’t turn back time. I can only go forward, y’know? And all I can try is to stay by your side and help you.”

You want to protest. He shouldn’t stay by your side. Nobody should. You’ll only mess them up.

“Do you remember telling me about the bees in the garden? Your eyes light up then, and I got scared. I got scared because you had changed without me being there. And I realised that you didn’t _need_ me to fix you. I realised that you could help yourself. And I came to understand that all I could do was to help you when you’d fall down.”

You remember the bees. It’s been so long since you’ve seen them. You hope they’re doing okay.

“You told me you wanted to be good,” Dean says and looks at you. His eyes shine in the dark like stars.

“When I told you that you’ve always been good, you didn’t believe me. You didn’t believe me because you can’t see yourself like others do – like I do.”

He puts a hand on your face and you wish that what he says is true. You know it’s not but it’s so nice to believe him, even just for a brief second.

“I’ve met Bell and Leah and they’ve told me what you did for them.”

You don’t understand. You didn’t do anything. You just talked to them like any other person. You didn’t help them. You didn’t fix their problems. You didn’t stand up to Bell’s ex-wife or figured out what Leah had lost.

“I didn’t do anything,” you say because maybe Bell and Leah had told things that weren’t true.

“You gave them courage,” Dean responds. “You gave them reason to believe in themselves. Without you, Bell would’ve never gathered the courage to face down her ex-wife. Without you, Leah would’ve never realised of how much value she is just by herself.”

“What about Jonathan,” you whisper and Dean is quiet for a moment.

“He’s dead,” he then says and your heart sinks. So you didn’t accomplish anything after all. Maybe your paintings were so horrible that he’d been left with no choice.

“But his daughter talked to me. She wanted to thank you. Even if it was just for a short while, you gave Susie her father back.”

He’s still dead, you think. You feel responsible. If you’d been better, he would still be here. Susie must hate you. Susie with her bright orange hair and the yellow dress.

Dean untangles Jack from your arms and picks you up. You don’t understand. What is he doing? Maybe he’s throwing you out. Yes, that must be it. It hurts, but at least it’s Dean. At least you’ll get to see Dean until the end.

Maybe you can be selfish and ask for one last kiss.

You wouldn’t tell Lisa. It wouldn’t be cheating. It would be okay. Maybe you shouldn’t ask.

Dean puts you in a wheelchair and slowly starts wheeling you out of the room. You wish you could’ve said good-bye to Jack and Sam. But maybe it is better this way. You don’t want to disturb anyone. Jack would be fine. Sam and Dean would take care of him; and then they’d find him a friendly family.

Jack would have everything he’d need; and he’d be happy.

At least it’s Dean, you think. At least it’s Dean.

*

He wheels you outside, into the garden behind the hospital. You should’ve brought a jacket. You wonder where your things are – you don’t have much but still, some clothes would be better than the hospital gown. Maybe Dean would be kind enough to get them for you, even if you weren’t allowed to go back inside.

“Look at all the stars.”

So you do.

You look up and you see that it’s a clear night and there are so many stars in the sky. It’s so quiet that it makes them seem bigger than they usually are. Jack would enjoy this view. You hope that Dean and Sam are going to keep telling Jack about the stars.

“Jack said that you told him all about the stars,” Dean says and you nod.

“So tell me,” he says and you do.

As you tell him all about the stars, he holds your hand and sits on a bench next to you.

It’s a nice good-bye you think.

And if you tell him now, then maybe he can tell Jack. Soon enough Jack is going to realise how much brighter Sam and Dean were in comparison to you and he’ll understand that you were just an imposter. Hopefully he won’t be too upset.

Being called a star had made you feel so good.

It had made you feel like you mattered. It had made you feel like you were important.

It had made you feel like you deserved to live.

You’re afraid to stop your tale, but eventually you must. Your lips are dry and your throat is hollow.

Now you wait for Dean to tell you to go away.

“That was a nice story, Cas,” he says and you appreciate him trying to soften the blow. But you deserve a hammer.

If you were brave enough, you would say that.

“But something irks me still,” he says and bends down. There are pebbles under his feet.

“They’re so far away.”

You tilt your head. You don’t understand.

Dean looks up at the sky and extends his hand towards it. “I can see them so clearly, but I’ll never be able to reach them. They’re always going to be a far-away dream that I’ll never get to hold.”

He puts something in your hand.

“But this?”

It’s a pebble.

“This is right here. It’s right in my hand. It’ll never be a far-away dream.”

It feels heavy in your hand.

“I’d rather have something that’s here than something I could never possibly reach.”

You look at him.

He’s smiling at you.

“Everybody can have the stars,” he says and holds your hand again.

“But there’s only this one pebble, and it’s all mine.”

You don’t know what he’s trying to say.

And maybe you don’t have to understand.

You think about the pretty pebble that you found and that your mother threw away. 

You think about the ball-pebble that never existed and that was important to you.

You think about being here; and you think about being away.

You think of stars and pebbles and all the tiny things.

You think of yellow trucks and selfish purposes.

You think about the light in someone’s eyes and about proving yourself worthy of the stars.

You think about best friends and how it’s always been you.

You think about the world in your hands. You think about warmth, and soft hands and hugs.

Maybe you deserve them.

Maybe you’ve always deserved them.

When Dean kisses you, you hold the pebble tight in your hand.

Maybe you don’t have to be a star.

Maybe being a pebble is good enough.

Maybe you are good enough, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Visit [me](https://irrlicht-ghostfront.tumblr.com/) on [tumblr!](https://irrlicht-writes.tumblr.com/)  
> I love to talk.


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